What You Don't Know About Me....

What you don't know about me? Let's see.....

-- I love speed! I love to drive fast in my car & on my motorcycle. I didn't get the nickname "Ledfoot Louie"
for nothing.

-- I went skydiving in 2011 and loved it! I would do it again.

-- In 2012, I traveled on the back of my husband's motorcycle across the USA from MD to CA & back to MD.
It was the best road trip ever! It was 8,000+ miles.

-- In 2013, my Mom and I travel to Oahu and Kauai & stayed with my cousin. We traveled the entire Kauai island by car
using an off the beaten path travel book. Both places are gorgeous and I would love to live there!

-- My first cruise was in 2010 for 9 days in the Caribbean to Puerto Rico, Haiti, St Thomas & the Dominican Republic.

-- Parasailed in St Thomas.

-- Zip lined in Haiti in the longest zip line over water (Dragon's Breath Flight Line).

-- I love to travel. I am planning a trip to Alaska. Brrrrr.

-- I am a beach person. I could and have stayed on the beach all day for days.

-- Celebrity gossip is my guilty pleasure.

-- I love to read books on my Kindle. My genre is historical romance, romance and biographical novels.

-- I never leave home without my iPhone or my iPod. My Kindle travels with me on extended trips also.

-- I am addicted to House Hunters on HGTV. I could and have watched it for hours---another guilty pleasure!

-- I want to write a novel. Still deciding if it will be biographical with bits and pieces of my life. I aspire to be.

-- I absolutely do not enjoy shopping. I am a go in, get what I need and leave the store type of person.

-- I do love to window shop in historical places and I enjoy picking up unique tokens from my travels.

-- One of the most beautiful beaches I have ever been on was Magen's Bay in St Thomas VI. I went there alone by bus from
the cruise ship. It was peaceful and gorgeous.

-- I met my future husband at age 16 in Ocean City, MD.

-- I lived in TX for 4 years with my military husband. I love TX.

-- My husband & I have been married for 30 years.

-- My greatest gift is my son. He is the light of my life and the heartbeat that keeps me in check.

-- I work in IT even though I despised anything computer related in high school. I had a 'D' in Data Processing.

-- My curiosity got me my job in IT. I was always curious about gadgets, software & computer related. I was the 'fixer'.






--

The Road Ahead

The road ahead is looking mighty interesting!

My son, Daniel, turned 21 today. I am extremely proud of the man he has become. He IS an amazing person! I cherish all my memories from infancies until today. Time has flown by!

This year promises lots of adventures, changes is attitude and growing in my faith.
Unfortunately, this past week had been horrendous. I was full of fear, doubt and worry. Ugh.



And then I wondered why am I feeling all this fear, doubt and worry. Suddenly and suprisingly a beautiful song popped in my head "Lose My Soul". I knew I did not want to gain the whole world, just to lose my soul. I decided to finally turn it over to God. I know that people say that (as I have done) but don't really do it. I actually did it and I am a better person because of it. I've decided to accept the coming changes in my work with gratitude. I am grateful to have a job that yes, is going to change, but I still love those that I work with and I enjoy my line of work.

My dream is to retire @55 and that is something I am still looking forward to. For now though, I have so much I want to do .....I want to mentor other women riders and I want to go on a mission trip with my church. But I am not at the confidence level I need to be at to full mentor and I am still early in my journey of faith that I am not yet ready for a mission trip. This will change though as I build my confidence and grow in my faith. Life is a joy! I geniunely feel extremely blessed! See, turning your worry, fear and doubt truly does change your attitude and raises your altitude.

Hoarding is More Than Collecting Things::

Approximately 9+ years ago, my sisters and I got together to do what we thought would be 'good thing' for my parents for Valentine's Day. We decided that we would clean up our parent's home and organize it a bit. Dad had suffered a stroke and Mom was caring for Dad a lot, we thought it would help. Little did we know that Mom had no intention of parting with anything in the home, including magazines from the early 90's and damaged items. That day, what we saw was a different side of our mother, that for me, terrified me and still haunts me today.

The woman I had cherished, respected and loved no longer existed on that day. And my relationship with my mother continues to decline every day. After the Valentine's Day incident, my mother said she disowned me and did not speak to me for 6+ months; all because I wanted her live in a clean, safe home.

At that point, I went to the internet to seek help to find out why she would be like that with her stuff. There was not much information back then. My sisters and I talked about it, emailed about it and just tried to determine what we could do. There was nothing. And then Oprah came along with a show about hoarding and the floodgates opened. I told my Mom I was going to have Oprah's experts come in and help and she told me she would never speak to me again. We even considered therapy--but Mom would not go.

Fast forward many years and the home continued to swell. It was a 2500 sq ft home with 6000 sq foot of stuff in it. My family & I stopped visiting altogether. The only person it hurt was me though as my mother did not want visitors. There was no place to sit nor to cook or eat a meal.

Dad was too ashamed to have visitors. My Dad was a social person....that is when you saw his personality the most...when he was around others. He never knew a stranger--he could talk to anyone. I truly believe that the stroke and hoarding was the beginning of the end for my father. It is also why when he died in his bed, why they had to remove him through his bedroom window instead of through the front door. The medics could not get the gurney through the house due to the hoarding. You would think that would wake a person up to their hoarding habits, but it didn't.

The divorce. My sister and her husband are going through a bitter divorce. They lived next door to my parents. Because my sister no longer lives next door, she talks Mom into selling her home and moving into something smaller. This really is a great plan that we all loved. Except Mom wanted to take her 6000 sq ft of stuff with her. She found a 817 sq ft home and started packing. Unfortunately she packed junk & trash too. Now some stuff did make it to the trash---but not easily. 1 Pod and 6 storage units later....my mother has a 817 sq ft home packed to the gills of items not needed to live. And now she wants a shed built just to store her Christmas items. Unbelivable. She needs help. I feel like I am watching an alcoholic drink themselves to death. I just watch and wait. To fix a problem, don't you have to get to the root of why it is a problem so you will stop? No one wants to help her because she won't help herself. I feel helpless. I pray for her. Pray. Pray.Pray.

Just One More Day

It just dawned on me the other day that we have had a death in our family every year since 2009 when my father died. Keith Thomas died in 2010. Debbie Oldland passed in 2011. No wonder I get so depressed. Don't get me wrong, I am happy, healthy and humbled. But death of a loved one brings me down. Death can be a relief. It can be a shock and sometimes it can be expected. But it does not make it any easier to accept it and to move forward. Our family continues to get smaller year by year. People hurt. Is this what we have to look forward to? Anticipating the next death? Sheesh, I hope not. Each and every person that has died was a significant human being and in my life for a reason. They each made a difference. Whether they realized that is subjective. There are those still grieving families and friends left behind to look at another empty chair at the dinner table. Another robust giggle to miss and all the memories. Those memories are especially vivid @Christmastime. I want each and every person back on earth for just one more day. What would you do with one more day?


Rest In Peace Deb xxxooo

Blessings, Faith & Joy!

December 12th marks my one year since my baptism and practically turning my life over to God. It has been a year marked by highs and lows (see prior post). I have to say that without a doubt my faith has carried me through the highs and lows and even the medicracy. The stressors: I've been re-assigned at work. Important people and my dog have gone to heaven. My husband nearly managing to join them in heaven. In retrospect though, it's all been good only by the grace of God. Even through the emotional changes at work, at home and in life in general--HE has carried me through.



If it's this good--WHY doesn't everyone trust in God and turn over their problems to God? I don't have an answer but I will continue to be joyful in my relationship with Him and hopefully, possibly and just maybe--THEY will see the changes in me. And they too will want to know HIM.
God Bless Each and Everyone of You.

2011: Rewind Through Memories

2011 has been an up & down year. It started with a Vegas trip to see Jo Ann and we surprised her by bringing her sister, Grace, who by the way does not travel often. It was a fun trip full of a lot of laughter. One the greatest joys I have in my life are hanging out with Grace and or Jo Ann. They make me laugh and I am pretty certain they laugh at me often (hence the Old Bay incident). It was a great trip!





In March, I purchased my very own Harley Davidson motorcycle. It is an 883 Super Low. Leonard surprised me with extra luxaries loaded on the bike. I was and am so excited to have it. It was my reward for paying off my 2006 Ford Five Hundred.
After my family, friends and pictures...it is one of my most prized possession.

Fast forward to May and it was time to end our dog, Blackie's suffering. It was a tough decision but a necessary one. We buried him @ the Cline farm. R.I.P. Blackie. We still miss you 6+ months later.

In June, I surprised our mutual friend Lisa with a visit bringing our friend Robin. It was a great trip! I recall great shopping, tantalizing cupcakes and a tick infested hike. But all in all, it was a fantastic trip that concluded with a trip to Martha's Vineyard. It was beautiful! Love Lisa & Robin. They have been my saving grace!

In August, the family was dealt a sad blow with the sudden death of Alex Elste. Alex lived with Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy. And oh how he lived. He was in Boy Scouts and he met dignataries throughout his life....he traveled and he loved. He had loyal friends and an amazing family that cared for him on a daily basis. I was overwhelmed by the outpouring of love for him and his family at his service. R.I.P. Alex Elste.


In October, me, Ally & Bri finally jumped out of a perfectly good airplane. From the moment that it was a thought to yes, we are going to do this to actually doing it spanned several weeks of bad weather and lots of patience. Finally on October 8th--we did it. We have pictures for proof! We all loved it!! It was an amazing experience!!



Near the end of October, me, Leonard & Daniel prepared for our annual trip to West Virginia that was apparently not meant to be. Instead, Leonard was involved in a motorcycle accident on October 20th & airlifted to University of MD shock trauma. It was a shock and Leonard suffered much trauma. Leonard spent a week there with Daniel & I taking turns staying with him overnight. He suffered 10 broke ribs, cracked vertabrae and some optical nerve damage. But all in all, 6 weeks later he is making his way back to work. God was his first responder and I truly believe it was not yet his time to leave this earth. Thank you God.

In December, our family was devastated to lose our little Debbie (as she was known). She has been ill for quite some time and her fight was finally over. She is at peace. I know she is no longer in pain, nor is she fighting and I know she has the peace she wanted, but damn, my heart aches for her return. I miss you Deb. I miss our talks, our wine drinking days and your smile. The angels truly sang with her arrival in heaven, no doubt. R.I.P. Deb. I love you.

As Time Goes By....

My mother in law has been in heaven since October 2005. My Dad joined her in November 2009. I miss them both so much. I feel lost without them, I really do. I am now in the stage of going through the firsts for the first year of my Dad being gone. It's tough. His birthday was April 26th and I fondly recalled the many happy memories. Some memories are recent and not very good....seeing him unhealthy, sad and in pain. That is not how I wish to remember him but that is how I last saw him. Comparing the two deaths of my mother in law & my Dad, what I recall was that both of them expressed a desire to live. Neither wanted to die. I always wish I had spent more time with them. Today, I know that every moment of every day they are both with me, guiding me, helping me and continue to love me spiritually. It doesn't make the hurt go away, but it certainly brings me a level of peace. I love you Daddy. I miss you horribly.

Only A Motorcyclist Knows

This month marks a year ago that I took the Motorcycle Safety Course at the college. It was on a whim that I signed up in November 2008 for the class- I just decided to do it. My life has changed in ways I never expected since I challenged myself to learn something new. My husband had been riding for a few years and I enjoyed being a passenger. I took a women's only class in hopes of less intimidation. I easily passed the written test. Some aspects of the riding course were difficult. In the end after 4 days, I did not pass the riding test. I was devastated and I cried all the way home. The great news is that I can re-test. I ended up re-testing nearly 6 weeks later. My husband found and bought a 2005 Honda Rebel on Craigslist. We went to Elizabethtown, PA to get my bike. We met the sellers, bought it and brought it home in the pouring rain in the back of the truck. The next day I practiced on the bike. My husband would go to the local school parking lot to show me and critique my figure 8's, quick stop, start and turns. Everyday I hopped on the bike and rode around the neighborhood. I stopped,started, turned, shifted gears etc. I fell in love with riding. I crashed a couple of times--but I got right back on. I know that I made both my husband and son incredibly nervous while I was out riding. Everyday after work and weekends I practiced and as they say practice makes perfect. In June, I went to re-test and passed and I was beyond excited! Next up, I went to MVA to get my license as soon as I could. I was amazed at myself--there is just no other way to say it...I was! Every ride is better than the last and I am in love with riding. I know my limits and I can tell when I am getting tired and it's time to take a break. So this time of year really brings great memories and now I know why a dog sticks its' head out the windows.....there is nothing like it!

Snowology

January & February 2010 brought lots of snow and a blizzard or two. Pictures tell the story. It was cold, the state was shut down a few times. Lots of lovey time with my hubby! All I can say is I'd be pregnant now if we hadn't taken care of that. LOL

2009- The Year In Review

Hmm, well, it has been awhile since I blogged. My whole reasoning for blogging is therapeutic. And it doesn't hurt that maybe someone else is going through what I am going through. If I can survive it so can you. I am planning to blog more....but first let me bring you up to date!

February - My son Daniel turned 18. That was the single most important day of the month. We had a intimate dinner with our family & closest friends @ Lee Hunan's in Aberdeen. It was a great time!

April-In late April, I took the Motorcycle Safety Foundation's Course @ Harford Community College. Once I completed the course, I passed the written test however I did not pass the course test whereas I drove a motorcycle through various endeavors. Once you fail, you do get a chance to redeem yourself and try again, which I did. I had 6 weeks to do so. My hubby bought me a 2005 Honda Rebel 250cc. It is literally the same bike I learned on in the class. What I remember after failing the riding portion of the class, is that I cried. I really wanted to pass & I really wanted to ride. I fell in love with riding during the course.
So, I practiced. I got my learners permit and everyday after work, I hopped on my bike and rode around the neighborhood. I practiced starting, braking, clutch control, etc.
My hubby Leonard took me to the middle school to practice my figure 8, stopping suddenly and general critique of my skills. So I practiced into May until my test date.

May - Practice, practice, practice is about all I can remember from this month. I also was preparing for my son's high school graduation in June.

June - June brought a huge family and friends get together at our home to celebrate Daniel's graduation. We had the party the weekend before his graduation. We had a lot of fun and it was so great to see everyone. Graduation was an emotional but proud moment. During this month, my father's health was starting to fail and he was incredibly weak. He did not attend the graduation party or the graduation due to his health.
After graduation, it was time for Senior Week @ the beach. It was an unnerving week as Daniel & friends were kicked out of their room after the second day. He survived and we did too. I am sure I am grayer because of the week though.
June is also the month that I went for and got my motorcycle license. All the practice paid off as I zoomed around the test course and passed with lots of compliments from my instructors. They were genuinely proud of me. I was proud of me. It was a great moment and I can still remember the day that I could leave the neighborhood on the bike and venture out with the other traffic-which was exciting and scary all at once!

July-August-September - I recall riding my bike a lot alone. I just want to get the feel of the bike and enjoy the ride --which I did. I was seriously hooked! I love riding. In August, we went dirt biking and 4wheeling in Altoona PA. I went over a mountain unintentionally and decided that I was giving up on 4wheeling. Daniel started Harford Community College in September. We also said goodbye to some of his fellow classmates heading off to college.

October - As a family, we went to Hatfield McCoy trails in West Virginia. We went with a bunch of friends and had a great time. The trails were crazy and the place we stayed at was amazing!
I also decided at that time that I am definitely selling my 4wheeler. It just was not fun for me anymore.

November - I flew solo to Cape Cod in November to see my friend Lisa and her family. It was a great time and a beautiful area. It was cold though. The next trip and there will be one, will be when it is warmer. In the short time I was there --we saw quite a bit and got lots of pictures. Her family is amazing though Taylor is quite competitive in the game department. LOL
I was home for a couple of days when my Dad passed away. It was unexpected and sudden. He had just recently gotten home from rehabilitation for about a week --so we thought he was doing better, but that was not to be. I know that he wanted to be home and he was. Honestly, my Dad was never going to get better unless he had heart surgery and he didn't want to do that. So really, it was a matter of time. He died a year nearly to the day that one of his heart doctors said he would. My Dad knew he had a year and I believe he knew it all along. I was incredibly sad this month. I walked around in a daze a lot. I rode one time that month and I hung up the bike keys until winter was over. The holidays were upon us and I could have cared less. I just could not wait for the year to be over. I miss my Dad.

December - I remember shopping for Christmas but my heart not being in it. I had the family at our home for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I love having everyone together--though it brings a lot of drama. I just wanted the year to be over & eventually it was.

My Angel Watches Over Me

I am sad to report that since my last update which was a long time ago, my father,
William Forrest Cornell passed away on November 12, 2009. He wanted to be home which is where he was when he died. In my very first blog posting, I talk about family secrets and my wanting to know who my father is/was.
I know who my father is/was. He is the man that raised me to be the woman I am today.
I had the greatest father on earth. I wish to continue to honor him as my father. I don't know many men who could assume the fatherhood duties of a 5 year old and raise the child as their own, with seemingly no problems. I never, ever felt that I wasn't 'his'. And that my dear is a huge accomplishment and something that makes me terribly proud. I am sure I was a brat at times, but my mother was the displinarian and my father was the comforter. I am a blessed woman for having him in my life as my father. I wish to continue to honor his memory and take comfort in the memories of our lives. R.I.P. Dad. I love & miss you!

Heaven Welcomes Another Angel

I was blessed with an extraordinary mother in law. I say blessed because not many people can say that. I liked her, I loved her. I trusted her. She became in a sense, a second mother to me. She was an all around fun person to be around.

Sadly my beloved mother in law passed away from cancer in 2005. Of all the things I miss about her, I would have to say picking up the phone and talking to her about anything which included my battles with my own mother, asking for recipes or how to cook something or helping me make good decisions about my son, her grandson.

What I've Learned So Far

As a woman in my mid 40's, there's some things that I have learned that I wish I had known when I was 20. But as they say, you can't go back...but maybe someone out there will heed my advice. I'll add more as they come to mind.

1. After high school, go to college and get a degree. Don't let family, friends or a boyfriend discourage you. There is always a way, financially, to get into college & in the end, any sacrifices will be worth it.

2. After college, rent or purchase your own place. I think you should live on your own, paying your own bills for at least 1 to 2 years prior to sharing a home with anyone else.

3. If you choose not to go to college...still move out and live on your own while working. You should not move from your parents home to another persons parents home.

4. When discussing marriage dreams with your boyfriend--make sure you agree on these points: children, religion, where to live, morals/values. You'd be incredibly amazed at how these things come up 'after' you get married. Assume nothing. You have to have that discussion before the marriage and you must agree.

5. Significant Other---better love him just as 'he is' because as he ages his hair will look more mature than he will act. You cannot change men, so don't waste your time and seriously, it is a waste of time. Save your 'martyrdom' for your children.

6. While still single, if there is something that you really want to do, do it. If he 'really is the love of your life'...he will be there in the end. If it is meant to be, it will be. Seriously.

7. Life gets complicated when children arrive. Count on yourself for protection from getting pregnant. No babies until you are in a loving marriage.

8. Talk to your grandparents and parents more and get lots of family history. You will need and want this information later when your children are growing up. So do it while you are still young and they can still remember.

9. Love yourself. Embrace yourself. Seriously, take care of yourself...it is amazing as to what you do in your wild youth comes back to haunt you when you turn 40.

10. Count only on yourself. Believe in yourself because if you don't believe in yourself, no one else will.

Sisters

I am the oldest sister of 3. My sisters, with whom I adore, drive me crazy sometimes. I am sure I do the same to them at times. They are probably the only people on the planet that when we have enough of one another, we know to 'stay away' until it is safe to come back. We are soooo different from one another.....it's amazing that we share the same mother. My mother, is a story for another blog--so I am not going to go 'into the Mom' thing here.

The middle sister is book smart, incredibly knowledgable of all things technical, yet has no people skills. This is something she readily admits.

The youngest sister is/was spoiled by my parents (she was the baby after all), she could do no wrong, she was given a lot and still expects to receive alot, from anyone. Incredibly greedy, doesn't think too much about anyone but herself. So essentially, she is a young adult woman still acting like the baby in the family.

However, recent family strife has shifted all of our roles as daughters to our aging parents. My one sister lives next door to my parents and is the one my parents count on the most.
I am the 'take care of everything legal' daughter. My middle sister is the 'the one that will be there the fastest to help with anything daughter'. The youngest is the 'too caught up in her own life to help' daughter.

Now, to be fair, the youngest is going through a divorce. She has ventured out on her own, as she tells it 'after we all let her down'. So she is stepping very gently into the single dating world, something I don't think she fully got to enjoy prior to her marriage. She's an interesting person to watch and listen to. That is, if you can take all the drama and honey, there is drama. Sometimes I want to hear it, but most of the time, I do not. She is dramatic and lovely. That is all I can say about her. Sadly, she has 3 children caught in the middle. God Bless them all.

The middle sister has 2 children and she is lovely as well. I think she is finally coming around to the fact that she needs to take care of herself and love herself before she can love anyone else.

That little phrase "love yourself before loving others' was something that was told to me many moons ago...but I am still grasping that concept. Yes, you must love yourself before you can love anything else...including people. I sure wish I had known that before I married at 20 (but that's for another blog).

Sisters, they are your blood, your water, they are your lifeline..literally...and I'd be no where without them. We have all learned so much from one another, really. Drama and all...I'd have it no other way.

Birthright and Secrets

I was born an illegimate female in the 60's. Geez, just saying that sounds really harsh and today, my birthright would hardly make someone blink an eye. It's funny how things have changed since the 60's. My mother did not even know she was pregnant with me until the last trimester. I think she knew, but chose to deny it. She was a single 22 year old seeing a married man who most likely would have nothing to do with her--which ended up happening anyway when he went back to his wife and left the state. To date, I don't even know if he knows I exist.

What I am grateful for...is that my mother kept me. She didn't have to...it would have been easy to give me to a family member...which is what 'the family of 11 brothers/sisters' wanted her to do. My mother gave me a pretty great life actually. She married a man when I was 5 years old and he has never treated me less than his own. He is my father--I will always feel that way. I was lucky, seriously. I know this.

Sadly, I found out that the Dad that I knew as Dad wasn't my biological father when I was 13. And let me tell you 13 is rough age to find that out. I've never been the same since. It has messed with my identity, my self worth and my integrity. Mind you, I've tried to overcome this....without much guidance actually. Sure, before then, there were hints, along the way --'that I was different'...blonde hair, blue eyes. My sisters have long dark hair with brown eyes with olive skin--just like my Dad. My blonde hair, blue eyes was a subject that came up often at the dinner table and we were told to be quiet.

But my mother refuses to discuss with me (even at my age of 45) anything to do with my biological father. Years ago, when I was trying to get pregnant, I wanted to know more about my history. My mother clammed up and so did the entire family.

I've been searching all my life for my identity. I want to know what's its like to share some characteristic like my sibling has. Sadly, I'll never know that.

To date, it's all still a secret. It literally eats me up inside. I am a nosey person, I have to know. And I know that I won't and every day, it chips a lil of me away. I've tried again and again to talk to my mother. However, I am not sure I even know my mother anymore. She clams up. Ok, Mom, I promise I won't run away like I am a teenager...I just want to know.