Birthright and Secrets

I was born an illegimate female in the 60's. Geez, just saying that sounds really harsh and today, my birthright would hardly make someone blink an eye. It's funny how things have changed since the 60's. My mother did not even know she was pregnant with me until the last trimester. I think she knew, but chose to deny it. She was a single 22 year old seeing a married man who most likely would have nothing to do with her--which ended up happening anyway when he went back to his wife and left the state. To date, I don't even know if he knows I exist.

What I am grateful for...is that my mother kept me. She didn't have to...it would have been easy to give me to a family member...which is what 'the family of 11 brothers/sisters' wanted her to do. My mother gave me a pretty great life actually. She married a man when I was 5 years old and he has never treated me less than his own. He is my father--I will always feel that way. I was lucky, seriously. I know this.

Sadly, I found out that the Dad that I knew as Dad wasn't my biological father when I was 13. And let me tell you 13 is rough age to find that out. I've never been the same since. It has messed with my identity, my self worth and my integrity. Mind you, I've tried to overcome this....without much guidance actually. Sure, before then, there were hints, along the way --'that I was different'...blonde hair, blue eyes. My sisters have long dark hair with brown eyes with olive skin--just like my Dad. My blonde hair, blue eyes was a subject that came up often at the dinner table and we were told to be quiet.

But my mother refuses to discuss with me (even at my age of 45) anything to do with my biological father. Years ago, when I was trying to get pregnant, I wanted to know more about my history. My mother clammed up and so did the entire family.

I've been searching all my life for my identity. I want to know what's its like to share some characteristic like my sibling has. Sadly, I'll never know that.

To date, it's all still a secret. It literally eats me up inside. I am a nosey person, I have to know. And I know that I won't and every day, it chips a lil of me away. I've tried again and again to talk to my mother. However, I am not sure I even know my mother anymore. She clams up. Ok, Mom, I promise I won't run away like I am a teenager...I just want to know.