Heaven Welcomes Another Angel

I was blessed with an extraordinary mother in law. I say blessed because not many people can say that. I liked her, I loved her. I trusted her. She became in a sense, a second mother to me. She was an all around fun person to be around.

Sadly my beloved mother in law passed away from cancer in 2005. Of all the things I miss about her, I would have to say picking up the phone and talking to her about anything which included my battles with my own mother, asking for recipes or how to cook something or helping me make good decisions about my son, her grandson.

What I've Learned So Far

As a woman in my mid 40's, there's some things that I have learned that I wish I had known when I was 20. But as they say, you can't go back...but maybe someone out there will heed my advice. I'll add more as they come to mind.

1. After high school, go to college and get a degree. Don't let family, friends or a boyfriend discourage you. There is always a way, financially, to get into college & in the end, any sacrifices will be worth it.

2. After college, rent or purchase your own place. I think you should live on your own, paying your own bills for at least 1 to 2 years prior to sharing a home with anyone else.

3. If you choose not to go to college...still move out and live on your own while working. You should not move from your parents home to another persons parents home.

4. When discussing marriage dreams with your boyfriend--make sure you agree on these points: children, religion, where to live, morals/values. You'd be incredibly amazed at how these things come up 'after' you get married. Assume nothing. You have to have that discussion before the marriage and you must agree.

5. Significant Other---better love him just as 'he is' because as he ages his hair will look more mature than he will act. You cannot change men, so don't waste your time and seriously, it is a waste of time. Save your 'martyrdom' for your children.

6. While still single, if there is something that you really want to do, do it. If he 'really is the love of your life'...he will be there in the end. If it is meant to be, it will be. Seriously.

7. Life gets complicated when children arrive. Count on yourself for protection from getting pregnant. No babies until you are in a loving marriage.

8. Talk to your grandparents and parents more and get lots of family history. You will need and want this information later when your children are growing up. So do it while you are still young and they can still remember.

9. Love yourself. Embrace yourself. Seriously, take care of yourself...it is amazing as to what you do in your wild youth comes back to haunt you when you turn 40.

10. Count only on yourself. Believe in yourself because if you don't believe in yourself, no one else will.

Sisters

I am the oldest sister of 3. My sisters, with whom I adore, drive me crazy sometimes. I am sure I do the same to them at times. They are probably the only people on the planet that when we have enough of one another, we know to 'stay away' until it is safe to come back. We are soooo different from one another.....it's amazing that we share the same mother. My mother, is a story for another blog--so I am not going to go 'into the Mom' thing here.

The middle sister is book smart, incredibly knowledgable of all things technical, yet has no people skills. This is something she readily admits.

The youngest sister is/was spoiled by my parents (she was the baby after all), she could do no wrong, she was given a lot and still expects to receive alot, from anyone. Incredibly greedy, doesn't think too much about anyone but herself. So essentially, she is a young adult woman still acting like the baby in the family.

However, recent family strife has shifted all of our roles as daughters to our aging parents. My one sister lives next door to my parents and is the one my parents count on the most.
I am the 'take care of everything legal' daughter. My middle sister is the 'the one that will be there the fastest to help with anything daughter'. The youngest is the 'too caught up in her own life to help' daughter.

Now, to be fair, the youngest is going through a divorce. She has ventured out on her own, as she tells it 'after we all let her down'. So she is stepping very gently into the single dating world, something I don't think she fully got to enjoy prior to her marriage. She's an interesting person to watch and listen to. That is, if you can take all the drama and honey, there is drama. Sometimes I want to hear it, but most of the time, I do not. She is dramatic and lovely. That is all I can say about her. Sadly, she has 3 children caught in the middle. God Bless them all.

The middle sister has 2 children and she is lovely as well. I think she is finally coming around to the fact that she needs to take care of herself and love herself before she can love anyone else.

That little phrase "love yourself before loving others' was something that was told to me many moons ago...but I am still grasping that concept. Yes, you must love yourself before you can love anything else...including people. I sure wish I had known that before I married at 20 (but that's for another blog).

Sisters, they are your blood, your water, they are your lifeline..literally...and I'd be no where without them. We have all learned so much from one another, really. Drama and all...I'd have it no other way.

Birthright and Secrets

I was born an illegimate female in the 60's. Geez, just saying that sounds really harsh and today, my birthright would hardly make someone blink an eye. It's funny how things have changed since the 60's. My mother did not even know she was pregnant with me until the last trimester. I think she knew, but chose to deny it. She was a single 22 year old seeing a married man who most likely would have nothing to do with her--which ended up happening anyway when he went back to his wife and left the state. To date, I don't even know if he knows I exist.

What I am grateful for...is that my mother kept me. She didn't have to...it would have been easy to give me to a family member...which is what 'the family of 11 brothers/sisters' wanted her to do. My mother gave me a pretty great life actually. She married a man when I was 5 years old and he has never treated me less than his own. He is my father--I will always feel that way. I was lucky, seriously. I know this.

Sadly, I found out that the Dad that I knew as Dad wasn't my biological father when I was 13. And let me tell you 13 is rough age to find that out. I've never been the same since. It has messed with my identity, my self worth and my integrity. Mind you, I've tried to overcome this....without much guidance actually. Sure, before then, there were hints, along the way --'that I was different'...blonde hair, blue eyes. My sisters have long dark hair with brown eyes with olive skin--just like my Dad. My blonde hair, blue eyes was a subject that came up often at the dinner table and we were told to be quiet.

But my mother refuses to discuss with me (even at my age of 45) anything to do with my biological father. Years ago, when I was trying to get pregnant, I wanted to know more about my history. My mother clammed up and so did the entire family.

I've been searching all my life for my identity. I want to know what's its like to share some characteristic like my sibling has. Sadly, I'll never know that.

To date, it's all still a secret. It literally eats me up inside. I am a nosey person, I have to know. And I know that I won't and every day, it chips a lil of me away. I've tried again and again to talk to my mother. However, I am not sure I even know my mother anymore. She clams up. Ok, Mom, I promise I won't run away like I am a teenager...I just want to know.